Truth time, recovery – a belated NEDA week post

I am currently heavier than I’ve been in a long while. Definitely the heaviest I’ve been since the year I lost 50lbs. I don’t know what I weigh (and haven’t in probably a year, maybe longer?) and I am fine with that. I know it’s best for me to not know the number, because the number always messes with my head.

It’s weird though. While I’m the heaviest I’ve been since the last time I lost weight by restricting (I can’t believe it’s been four years since I was actively engaging in eating disorder behaviors!), I almost feel like I’m currently the most at peace with my body.

Yes, I am heavier than I would like to be. Yes, I am heavier than is best for me, given my preferred activities of dance and hiking. Yes, I would love to lose a ton of weight quickly like I have in the past. However, since I’m not miserable and dying inside (because lets face it, engaging in an eating disorder of any kind is the act of slowly committing suicide), I won’t. I can’t. I am too happy and at peace with who I am and where I am in my life right now to risk it all just to lose weight quickly. Risk it all to slowly kill myself.

I’ve been saying for weeks now that as soon as my show is over I was going to start Insanity again. I think at first I was just procrastinating and lazy. However, the past couple of days I have gotten so pumped up to start working out again. So pumped up to start eating healthier and start taking care of my body like I deserve.

I think for the first time ever, I can say I’m recoverED. I NEVER thought I’d be able to say that with true sincerity.
I’m heavier than I’ve been in years, yet I don’t hate my body. I’m heavier than I’ve been in years, but my plan of attack involves making healthier food choices and working out, not restricting and making myself miserable late into the night with “thinspiration”. It’s been FOUR YEARS since I’ve actively engaged in eating disorder behaviors. Sure, I’ve struggled and made poor choices a few times, but never for more than a day at a time.
I’ve hated my body since I was 12 years old, if not younger. I NEVER thought I would reach this place. I NEVER thought I could love my body. I honestly thought my life would ALWAYS involve hating my body to one degree or another, but it doesn’t any more.

Not only does it let me walk and talk, let me enjoy coffee and beer, and a million other things that most people take for granted, but it lets me do so much more.
My body lets me dance and ski and hike and sleep on the ground under the stars. My body can stretch and twist and let movement find the hidden places inside of me and let them free. My body can go flying down a mountain, the sting of cold winter air on my nose and lips. My body can get scratches and scars from traipsing through the woods. My body can feel the heat in hot springs and the cold in rivers. My body is amazing. And I should treat it as such.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week was February 24th – March 2nd, so this post is a little late, but I’m counting it as this years post any way.

Everybody knows somebody.
Recovery is possible.
Recovery is amazing and beautiful.
Your body is perfect and wonderful and amazing.
Love it hard and treat it well.


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