So remember last week?
When I was gung-ho about working out and all that jazz?
This week was terrible.
I can blame it on a number of things, but mainly I was just lazy.
I meant to go to ballet on Wednesday, but I stayed up too late the night before and my 8 o’clock alarm was not happening.
I meant to go to ballet on Friday, but I just didn’t.
We were going to ski on Sunday but stayed up too late on Saturday to get up at 4:30am to drive to Portland to pick up Jason, rent me skis, and make first chair at 9am.
I did walk to work today (1.8 miles) and I’ve taken my vitamin every day for the past two weeks. It’s the small steps, right?
Truthfully I’ve been a little bummed since I stepped on the stupid scale last week.
I was starting to feel really good in my body. And so what did I do? I let demons from the past in even though I should know better. It wasn’t necessarily a “scary” number that I saw, just one a little above what I was expecting. Which is fine. And if I was feeling good in my skin why did I even feel the need to judge myself?
And I’ve been bummed because while yes, I’ve been walking and doing abs and working on my arms, I have limited cardio. Company rehearsals are pretty much the only real cardio I get and 3 hours once a week is not enough. I really want to get a gym membership but I’m broke like whoa and blugh. [Plus thinking about going to the gym on a regular basis just gets me in a spiral because every time I’ve gone regularly for 3+ months I haven’t lost a single pound or been in better shape by the end. If I’m finally being nice to my body and trying to take care of it, can’t it reward me with a few dropped pounds?]
But this is a new week and I can start anew.
I WILL go to ballet in the morning. I don’t care that it’s nearly 1am now. I went to 8am ballet classes in college on little to no sleep, I can make it to a 10am class on more. I will take the bus (and therefore walk 1.8 miles) to work.
Friends from Missoula and Portland are coming to visit The Explorer this weekend (and therefore I’m heading home again) and we will get out and be active. Especially since two dogs and a couple cute kids will be around, so we’ll have to get out and do stuff to expel their energy.
I have a four hour company rehearsal on Sunday, so I’ll sweat, sweat, sweat.
I want so badly to get in shape and be healthy.
I want to take care of this body I’ve been given so I can live as long as possible.
I want the voice in my head from all those years of being unhealthy to go away and never come back.
I want to accept my body as wonderful and beautiful and not see each and every imperfection as a weakness.
I’ve come a long way since high school and the summer I didn’t sleep. I’m really proud of myself. And most of the time I do love 99% of Kathryn. I just hate that stepping on a stupid scale can take my head to some crazy places. I haven’t listened to it, but it’s still there.
And that’s just obnoxious.