Rain clouds and truths

Remember a couple months ago when I was griping about summer never coming and the rain never stopping and oh my god what if it just stays grey and icky and terrible and I can’t stop crying forever and ever and ever?
We’ve had an amazing summer this year. Once it finally decided to show up. It’s been sunny for weeks now! We’ve had 90+* weather! It’s been amazing.
And I was longing for rain.

Today is one of those deliciously grey rainy days in Seattle. The kind of day that stereotypes Seattle as a gloomy, rainy place. I love it. I’m such a Pacific Northwest girl, if we go more than a week or two without rain, I start to miss it. I love rain boots and raincoats and the way the water looks when the rain hits it. The green of the trees and plants in the yard against the grey skies. I love knowing locals from tourists based on the use of an umbrella (the other day, when it was barely drizzling, a customer came into the shop and asked where they might find an umbrella. I laughed and said “I’m from Seattle, how should I know?”). I love it.

Wet Drippy Seattle

I feel so very blessed in my life, especially recently. I have a great job that I love, my sweet boyfriend came out of the woods early, I’m dancing my heart out at rehearsals for my show in October, my parents are awesome, and I have an apartment to move into soon.
It’s like everything is finally falling into place. I’m so thankful and so blessed.

Last night on twitter I was reminded just how sad and how much I was hurting a couple of years ago.
I don’t think I realized just how depressed I was when I was in the midst of it. And I didn’t like to talk about it, didn’t want to make people worry, didn’t want people to think I was making it all up, so no one else realized how much I hurt either.
As hard as 2007 was, as hard as everything leading up to me dropping out of school and not leaving my apartment and avoiding main streets was, in some ways 2008 was worse. Yes, I had moved home and was getting my life back together, but I hadn’t dealt with the things that caused my life to fall apart.
Looking back on it, I think on my darkest days I didn’t think I’d leave Philly alive. I really thought my depression was going to get the best of me and I’d believe I had no option but to end things. I nearly cry every time I hear James Taylor’s “Fire and Rain” because I knew I wanted it sung at my funeral if I killed myself.
I wish I had been able to tell someone that. I wish I had believed I was hurting bad enough to warrant another persons concern.
Every single day I’m thankful I started seeing Dr. Jenna. I’m so thankful for whatever moment of clarity I had when I made my first appointment. I’m so very thankful I didn’t do what I normally do and just skip that first meeting. I thank God every day for that. She taught me how to save myself. She loved and accepted me and let me cry and was exactly everything I needed that summer.

I think the person I was at my darkest would be jealous of the person I am now, and I have God and the clarity He granted me that summer to thank.


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